Finding clean humor these days isn’t easy. Fortunately Brother Ratho has made a ministry out of finding these gems and sharing them with the Body of Christ. May this week’s humor put a big smile on your face and warmth in your soul.
Signs of the Times
God vs. The Scientist
God is sitting in heaven when a scientist says to him,
"Lord, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally
figured out a way to create life out of nothing. In other
words, we can now do what you did in the beginning."
"Oh, is that so? Tell me," replies God.
"Well," says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it
into your likeness and breathe life into it, thus creating
man."
"Well, that's interesting. Show me."
So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold
the soil.
"Oh no, no, no," interrupts God. "Get your own dirt."
Please, Don't Mess With Kids!
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'. ***
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.' Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute." ***
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered,'Thou shall not kill.' ***
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'
Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.' The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said,'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?' ***
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor..' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.' ***
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'
'Yes,' the class said. 'Then, why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?' A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty.' ***
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE . God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, 'Take all you want.. God is watching the apples.' ***
Creative Genius?
They say “necessity is the mother of all invention” but it is also an aunt to all “creative problem solving”. Enjoy the creative genius (???) behind these photos.
The Marshmallow Test--Halarious!
Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say? Here's some headlines to prove it!
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter.
(Is that possible?)
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
(No, really? Ya think?)
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
(Now that's taking things a bit far!)
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
(No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!)
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
(Hmmm, might work better than a fair trial!)
War Dims Hope for Peace
(Why? I don't get it!)
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
(Really? Ya think?)
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
(Who would have thought?)
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
(They just might be on to something!)
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
(You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?)
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
(He probably IS the battery charge!)
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
(What? Wasn't the first group fat enough?)
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
(How EMBARASSING! That's what he gets for eating all those beans!)
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
(Chainsaw Massacre all over again! That should teach them!)
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
(Personally, I wouldn't mess with doctors that tall!)
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead (Did I read that right?)
KIDS IN CHURCH
3-year-old Reese :
'Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
Harold is His name.
Amen.'
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A little boy was overheard praying:
'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,
and I wanted to stay with you guys.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One particular four-year-old prayed,
'And forgive us our trash baskets
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they
were on the way to church service,
'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?'
One bright little girl replied,
'Because people are sleeping.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,
' Ryan , you be Jesus !'
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A father was at the beach with his children
when the four-year-old son ran up to him,
grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked.
'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
'Did God throw him back down?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
'Would you like to say the blessing?'
'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied.
'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Perfect Boyfriend?
One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.
Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice."
"Oh please, Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"
